Pathway

Do you remember learning about water boatmen…those strange little water bugs that skate across the water, miraculously managing the surface tension to their advantage? For some reason they have stayed with me. I think it was because they seemed to be proof that if you just keep moving you can beat gravity, you will not fall.

I have unconsciously responded to this belief throughout this life. Keep peddling. Keep up. Keep going. Dig deep.

Unfortunately life has thrown a few horseshoes of fate at me to drag along behind me. The first was Young Onset Parkinson’s, diagnosed in 2008 at 38. The follow ups were pretty devastating too. Nine meningioma (yes, that’s right, brain tumours) in 2018 (on my birthday, fabulous) and then in 2022 I had a shunt inserted in my brain after I was diagnosed with hydrocephalus.

The most pernitious in this list is the creeping abbreviation caused by Parkinson’s. Every time I have an injury it takes a little longer to recover. I come back from it a little more nervous, a little less able to be independent. Parkinson’s erodes your presence. It makes you smaller.

So I face The Truth as I sit typing this at 3.30 am . I am in a respite care bed in our local wonderful hospice. I was admitted a week ago following a knee injury and four days in hospital dealing with the extreme Parkinson’s dopamine crashes the stress of the injury caused. Believe me, being in a hospice for a while forces you to recognise the reality of death. It also highlights the wonder of Life.

The Truth is I cannot live as I do any more. My stress levels in the last six or so months have been off the chart. This cannot continue. I am mortal and I have limits. My future has changed readically. I am no longer looking forward to a cosy stable life,of married bliss. This has been taken from me . I am alone. I know my friends and family have my back. They have been amazing. But, I am talking here about a shared life, as a couple. That has gone and I am mourning it. The stress of facing this on top of my medical woes has been extreme.

I am scared of what my life will become. A life of medical appliances and doctors’ appointments. And here I face another Truth. I am in charge. I have full responsibility. I have the choice. My life can be apologetic or I can stake my claim. Make my story.

This may sound obvious but it has been quite profound for me. Finally I am approaching the point where my priorities are able to simmer down into plans. I’m not there yet but the pathway is starting to present itself. In the meantime I have this knee to get fixed. Wow knee injuries are painful. But they can be mended, as can a broken heart.

Follow the yellow brick road indeed. Parkinson’s put me on this path but it’s my journey.

I see you…