Pleasing…a eulogy
This is an imagined eulogy for my inner Good Girl. Please read my earlier post to give you the context.
When we talk of a lost one, our words are drawing a picture of them, unique and personal to each of us. We contemplate how they touched our lives. Each of us has a different perspective. Each memory is ours to share or not. Unique to us. Individually these packages of energy may shed light but they are not strong enough to dispel the dark. The shadow still falls until we acknowledge the whole person and the impact, good and bad, they have had on us.
GG was complex. Eager to please, sunny and bright she appeared to wear her intelligence easily. Regularly winning academic prizes, gaining her sports letter for field hockey, showing talent in both Physics and Art, multilingual, she had a wide circle of friends with whom she had a full social life. She travelled the world, often solo, wrote poetry, painted, played various musical instruments and enjoyed singing.
A wide circle of friends, we must all have memories of GG being there for us. Helping us in times of need - giving practical help (money loaned, sofa’s offered, shoulders provided together with tissues and glass of wine) or just being there for us to lean on. She didn’t forget when times got tough for us.
GG had another side though, as we all do. The calm counsellor was often in turmoil herself. Often wracked with self doubt, she did not believe the admiring comments she regularly received. The youngest of four, her childhood was surprisingly lonely. She often found herself with nobody to play with and while this helped develop her storytelling skills and imagination, it left her with a longing for company. Her elaborate games were not shared with anyone outside the closed circle of toys she arranged in school rows each day.
GG was a talented artist and sewing. She was a quick study and was designing and making her own clothes by the time she was12. Her family while admiring her creations did not imagine they could be anything but a hobby. Her dreams of studying fashion or product design at Central St Martins went unspoken. She focussed on Imperial College instead and fulfilled her parents’ dreams for her when she won a place to study physics.
It is here that I pause to reflect…what if she had followed her heart? What if she had be able to devote time to her art instead of squeezing it in around the ‘proper’ subjects she studied. What if she had chosen a creative route rather than scientific? And crucially, what if she had trusted that her family loved her enough to listen and support her as she made these decisions.
We will never know. GG didn’t take that final step. She didn’t disturb the family dynamic. A wholesale move overseas at 14 meant that her home life became that of a self sufficient only child. She shone at her new school. Her parents were proud. Her path seemed set. No meandering along.
GG built herself a castle. A tower of strength. Sensible, fortified, imposing. She ‘rose above it’ and worked hard to scale the social and academic mountains that surrounded her. But she did this not to win, not to be the best. She did it to get herself to that place where she could at last stop, take a breath and look for the flowers in the grass. The sweet spot that she believed was achievable when everyone is happy with the decision being made. She didn’t know this was a myth. And that is what killed her.
Her tendency to accept the blame or take on responsibilities to demonstrate her worth meant she finally collapsed under everyone’s expectations. She had smiled through gritted teeth so much that everyone thought she was cruising thru life. We know better now.
So farewell GG. You thought we loved you because you helped us, but we all loved YOU. If you had believed that we wouldn’t be here now.
Oh, the humanity.
Special thanks to The Platinum Giraffe who can be found here.